Retardo and the Iron Golem

Problem 1:
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Be careful! Now Retardo, spears are dangerous to anyone the pointy end
is pointed at! So are rocks when they are above you! Wait, you don't 
even know how to use that sword, do you? That's fine, you can lure anyone
closer with the use of yourself.

Area 2:
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Stop and think! The guard can kill you after crossing the bridge, so..?
.Okay, that worked. So, so much fake blood! (Is he a satire on simple/stupid
main characters, or just a product of the whole setting's irreverence? 
I'm overworked enough as it is)

Place 3:
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Hey! Listen! That guard looks well-armoured. His only weapon is that cart 
of sharp objects, but don't pick any of them up, nor eat them. Oh, that bell
will not alert more guards, as they are all too busy looking for walkthroughs
to simple games rather than playing them. Once the way is clear, you can - 
I don't think that was necessary, though.

Screen 4:
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Wait up! Boxes are helpful in most games except when they're so precariously
placed. Oh, I remember that guard: his neurosis was that, if he'd see something
turned off, he'd habitually turn it back on. You could distract him with that 
and sneak pas- Retardo? What are you doing with that machine? The door and the
switch to- oh my... Oh no...

5, 6 & 7?
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Not now! First, read the Mine Cart Safety Walkthrough: Do not jump in your 
mine cart, except to avoid exploding barrels and holes; make sure everywhere
around the mine cart is clear; keep everything in the mine cart until it stops;
if you must bend things to jump a gap, make sure to land safely! It's hard 
being the only clear-thinking character sometimes.

Number 8:
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Ugh, how can I have been through a whole pack by n- Hm? The ad's over? Um, 
Stay sharp! Retardo, what did I tell you about not jumping? I suppose can help
you directly this time, but not much: there's that gear in the lower grass and
that lever next to the platform elevator... Just try not to do anything more 
mindlessly violent than usual.

Level 9:
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Retardo? do you remember that lantern in Screen 4? Do you remember how water 
isn't just used for waking the sleeping? Did you know how that I can open that
door as well as close it? Can you guess how easy it is to trip over things in 
the dark? Do I have to spell it out for you?

Stage 10:
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This isn't the last one? Where did I put my boo- Oi! Retardo! I've helped that
man before: he's lazy, and will use the closest thing at hand. Since the catapult
is closer to him than the pile of cannonballs (for a catapult?), you can use the
tar and - No! No! Sneak by him, sneak by- Why oh why did I agree to this?

Scene the Eleventh:
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... I suppose death and blood is the only thing for it, eh? Fine, there's a wagon
to your right, a rope to your left, and one of those wooden stakes can be jimmied
free. Go have your bloody revenge and let me get back to granting insights to 
panicked students and rushed journalists! ...Who in their right minds would call
this gory, gibbering mess "for kids of all ages"..? I suppose, considering this 
setting, that the question didn't need to be asked. So the Fairy of Clarity of 
Thought flew off as fast as she could, welcoming the day someone would say, 
"I don't believe in fairies" to her face.